Little Man

by Sarah DeLaune Bankert

Date: Sat, 20 Dec 1997

My name is Sarah DeLaune Bankert and I lost my baby Sunday. Victor DeLaune Bankert died of SIDS early Sunday morning. I will never forget that day.

The Saturday night before his death my husband and I went to a movie so the baby stayed at his grandmother's house. We came home after the movie and assumed everything was fine as always in our little world and went to bed.

The next morning we received a call at exactly seven. My husband answered it and I figured it was one of his friends wanting to go hunting. But it wasn't. All I heard Buddy say was "Oh God" and then hung up the phone. "Get dressed and get in the car," he said. I was still partly asleep and just did what he said. It didn't dawn on me that anything was wrong with Victor until I opened the car door. I asked him what was going on and he wouldn't answer me. We were on the way to his mother's house and then I knew. My mom called me on the car phone and said go to the hospital. Before she could finish her sentence I saw the ambulance come around the corner. The instant anger I felt was indescribable. I threw the phone and began to scream hysterically. "My baby is in there!" I screamed. We followed them to the hospital where I found out he was gone. Sheer pain and numbness enveloped my body. I was shocked, hurt, and mad at the same time. I wanted to curse God and all he has created. How could this happen to me?

I am a senior in high school, seventeen. Buddy and I got married in June and live in a house together. We have so many memories at that house which makes it wonderful but yet painful at the same time. Giving him a bath, rocking him to sleep, watching his father be a better father at eighteen than any man in his twenties or thirties. We wanted to move to ease the pain from the memories but felt like we were leaving him there. Every day gets a little easier. Tomorrow will be a week since I have seen my baby's beautiful smile. I feel so many things at one time and try to find comfort in so many things.

I have so many questions that a doctor can never answer. Should I have another one? Will I be trying to replace my sweet Victor. I want so bad to know that God is a wonderful being but its so hard when he gave me so much pain. I want someone to blame. Some days are good. Some are bad. I will never be able to hold my darling Victor in my arms, only in my heart which is where he will always be. I know God has his reasons for doing things and I know in time we will begin to see them although right now it is so very hard.

We have visited his grave three times now and I really don't find any comfort in it. I guess it's because I know he isn't there. He is with the Lord making him smile. I don't fear death anymore. I am ready to go when the Lord calls me to be with my son again. See you soon Little Man! I Love You!