Why Me?

by Carol Cancilla

Date: Wed, 24 Jan 2001

It seems like I new I was pregnant from the very 1st day of conception. my
husband and I were never "trying" to conceive. but we did everything not to
prevent it. we were ready. now, 2 miscarriages later all I can think
about is "why me". how come my mom had 10 beautiful children, me being the
baby of the bunch and my 3 sister's, respectfully, go through labor and
deliver on an average of 3 hours? this is the norm in my family of
womanhood. so why can't I ? what is wrong with me?

my first miscarriage began with spotting at work. I carpooled that day and
I was the driver. I couldn't concentrate on work so I made an appointment
for that afternoon. I was 10 weeks along and for the 1st time seen an
ultrasound. embarrassed to say, I told the doctor that my husband and I had
sex the night before. The doctor laughed and replied you don't have a
miscarriage from having sex. I think he thought that would explain why I
was bleeding. but after what it seemed like for ever, couldn't find a heart
beat. All I remember was stumbling around the hospital looking for a pay
phone. Blurry eyed, I managed to choke out to my CO-worker I lost the
baby.....I'm going home.

I decided to let the miscarriage happen naturally. It would be just like a
period, right. NOT! I ended up miscarrying on a road trip to Mexico. I
thought I was bleeding to death. I didn't want to mess up the trip and we
were delivering goods to an orphanage. Orphanage, how ironic. My husband's
sadness is not as great as mine. He has a 10 year old daughter, who has
lived with us for the past 3 years. Deep down, I feel like it doesn't
matter one way or the other to him if I have a baby. Even though he denies
that, he can't deny that he already has a child of his own.

My second miscarriage happen about 5 months after the 1st. Just long enough
to heal, have a period and try again. I ask my husband not to tell anyone
this time. Just in case. But he told everyone that would listen. I
started spotting at home. and new deep down, that it was happening again.
like the 1st time, I lost the sensation of heaviness in my breasts. an
in-depth exam confirmed that the I never went from embryo to fetus state.
looking at my second ultrasound in my life, I thought, there is nothing
there. but there is a hole in my heart. thought I could replace the hurt by
immediately trying again. I now feel determined to achieve a viable
pregnancy. its like I'm obsessed. all the doctor's can tell me is that I'm
healthy and that these things happen. I believed that the 1st time but I'm
not buying it the second time. after going through blood test, chromosome
analysis, I am still left with many questions and no answers. I would never
wish this pain on anyone. my heart goes out to all the stories that I read
tonight. although they are different in many ways, they are the same. we
all have experienced loss. I take comfort in knowing that I am not alone (I
thought I was).