I am so scared

shared by Deon
rodin@aros.net

Update: Date: Mon, 15 Mar 1999

Update: Date: Fri, 13 Aug 1999

Date: Thu, 20 Aug 1998

This is my story.

In May of 1998 I found out I was pregnant with our second child, and we were so excited! I went to my nurse midwife at 7 weeks for my check-up, she asked if I had any questions for her. I told her that I just didn't feel pregnant, my breasts weren't tender, it just didn't feel like my first pregnancy. She listened for a heart beat, but couldn't find one, she said that it was too small yet, and I was too skinny yet. She handed me the bag with all of the pregnancy freebies and sent me on my way. On June 14, we were having a moving sale, and I had one small spot. I panicked and called my nurse midwife, she said it was probably nothing and to stay off my feet. I think that I knew then that I was losing the baby, but that didn't stop me from praying and bargaining with God. That next Friday I woke up with more spotting and called my doctor, she said to go in and see her associate.

I had to call a friend to see if she could watch my son, and had to tell her what was happening, we hadn't even told anyone yet, I had such a sense of foreboding.

I went in and immediately started crying, there were women in the waiting room in various stages of pregnancy, I couldn't help myself. I went into the exam room, with all of the "how to have a healthy baby" posters and "what to eat when your pregnant", it was brutal. The nurse came in and asked my symptoms, and she said "oh its probably just a bladder infection", I felt a little glimmer of hope. The nurse midwife came in and examined me, she said that my uterus wasn't big enough and that my cervix was open, and was I sure of my dates? Of course I was sure!

She left me there with the door open and I could here everyone talking and laughing and planning their weekends. Didn't they know that my world had stopped, how could theirs go on? I was sent down for an ultrasound, and a woman heavily pregnant with twins came in to have one as well. She was complaining about how much water she had to drink, oh poor thing, I just wasn't feeling charitable.

After what seemed the longest wait in my life I was taken back to the dark exam room. I felt none of the joy and anticipation that I had felt when I went for the one for my son. Just scared and alone. She tried silently for about 15 minutes and I said "well?" and she said, " you just aren't far enough along, lets try a vaginal one. So she did that and said "oh, its a perfect 5 week sac", my heart dropped, I was 10 weeks along.

So, I scheduled the d&c,(to get rid of the "products of conception") there was no way I was going to let nature take its course, look how badly it messed up this time. I had it done on June 23, by a wonderful doctor who assured me it was nothing I had done and that God was not mad at me. Yeah, right.

Since then, I have had this desperate need to be pregnant again, its all consuming, does anyone else feel like this? I love my son with my whole soul and being and I am so grateful to have him! But I want another child so badly, I want him to have a sibling. I am so scared that I will never get pregnant again or worse yet, have another miscarriage. Two of my good friends are pregnant and within days of my due date, I am avoiding them, it is too painful. Sorry that this is so long, I haven't felt like talking to anyone until now. Thank you for listening.

Deon

Update
Date: Mon, 15 Mar 1999

I posted my story in August of 1998 and I am still receiving wonderful responses and have made two life-long friends from it! I just wanted to post an update and hopefully give someone hope.

I miscarried at ten weeks in June and was desperate to get pregnant again. In October I took a hpt and it was positive but the very next day I started spotting and cramping. I just couldn't believe it was happening to me again! I went for all of the blood work and exams and was diagnosed with a "threaten miscarriage" until 13 weeks along. Finally all seemed well, growth and everything normal. We found out in January, 10 days after my due date that we are having a little boy. I am currently 25 weeks 3 days, and yes I count every one of them, when you lose a baby you lose the naive chance at pregnancy. I have worried every day of this pregnancy and this will be our last child, as I cannot put myself or family through this emotional roller coaster again.

I am so grateful to be pregnant and God willing will have my son in June. So to all of you Moms, don't give up! I am always here to talk to anyone that needs it!! Thanks for listening!

Deon

Update
Date: Fri, 13 Aug 1999

I just wanted to post an update to my story, to share with the wonderful people who I have met through this website.

I am so grateful and relieved to announce the birth of my son, Maxwell Emerson Slezak; he was born on June 15, 1999. I lost my second baby in June of 1998, so this was a very stressful pregnancy and I was convinced I would lose this baby too. When I was 38 weeks 5 days, my midwife induced me as I was a complete mess and afraid the baby would die. I had an easy labor and Max came out perfectly healthy. I only mean to give hope with this post, that a baby after a loss is possible. To all of the women out there trying, don't give up hope!

Deon