Confusion

By Elaine Freer

I am 15, and wrote this after a friend suffered a miscarriage, to try to explain how it feels to a friend, trying to help someone during this terrible time.

Date: Sun, 17 Aug 2003
 

I’m sorry that after it happened, I didn’t know what to say,
I’m sorry that when I saw you, I turned and looked away,
There were words I should have spoken,
Because it was so clear that your heart was broken.
I didn’t just ask ‘How are you?’
Because it was the social thing to do.
But I should have said I was sorry,
Though chances of upsetting you made me worry,
That saying anything would hurt you,
And that was the last thing I wanted to do.

I’m so glad now that we’ve spoken our hearts,
And now, I hope, this is where a stronger friendship starts.
Thank you for telling how you felt,
Even though the details made my heart want to melt.
It doesn’t matter what you say,
I could still see how you wanted that baby.
That after seeing the ultrasound scan,
You were happy that things seemed to be to plan.
It was not really what anyone wants to hear,
Knowing all that had happened to confirm your worst fear.

Your honesty about your personal feelings with me,
About how you wouldn’t have wanted to not be able to ski.
About how you didn’t really want a Christmas baby,
And that the house probably wasn’t big enough for three.
But that despite that, you couldn’t let your baby go,
And how you are being so strong, I’d really like to know.
I’ll try and remember, when December arrives,
That deep inside your heart will feel like knives.
I’ll try and remember to hug you,
Please just tell me, if there’s anything I can do.