I might be young - but it still hurts like hell

by Vicky Hales

Date: Sun, 11 Jul 1999

I was only fourteen when I discovered that I was pregnant. I hadn't had a period for a while, but I've always been pretty irregular.

Anyway, I was dreading telling my parents but my mam was just upset. My dad was angry for a while but then he was fine.

I started to get excited, picking names, buying little white sleepsuits and looking at expensive prams. Me and my mam went and picked out the most beautiful pram ever.

I went to see my doctor and he said that since I was so young he would book me in for a scan at twelve weeks instead of the normal eighteen. I started to get excited and on the day of my scan I felt great. I was going to see my baby Connor! Me and my mam got to the hospital and waited in the waiting room before being showed in. A horrible old nurse told me to lie on the bed and asked if I'd drank a pint of water. I told her I had. Then she shouted at me because I my bladder was only half full.

So I went home and drank some water then came back. When I lay down I was so excited! I didn't care that the nurse so obviously disapproved of me. When she looked at the screen she told me, without sympathy that my baby hadn't grown. She told me to get off the bed and that she would get a doctor.

I went to the toilet and when I came back my mam was sat in a little room. I asked her what she meant. She started to cry and told me she thought my baby was dead. I burst into tears and hoped that she was wrong. I wished so hard. I prayed to God that he would spare me all this pain. But he didn't. The doctor told me that the baby had stopped growing and that I would bleed within two weeks.

I went home and locked myself in my room. I bled that night which was accompanied by the worst mixture of physical and emotional pain I have ever, ever known in my whole seventeen years. I wanted to die along with my beautiful baby. It wasn't fair. I hadn't smoked, drunk, I'd taken folic acid. I loved my baby more than some people ever do. I know people who smoke, drink and take drugs and they still had their babies.

I felt bitter towards people who had abortions and killed healthy babies when I wanted mine and had no choice. Why is life so unfair?

I have a gorgeous little girl now, but Connor Joshuah will always have a special place in my heart.