My babies in Heaven

by Joscelynne

Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2000

I want to start off by saying what a wonderful site this is. Just knowing that I am not alone is helping me come to terms with my losses.

I have had 3 of my babies taken from me before they even had a chance to take their first breaths. At this point I can only bring myself to talk about two of them, my first two babies.

I became pregnant for the first time sometime in December of 1997.. When you find out you are going to be a mother for the first time, it should be wonderful. But not for me. I found out on Christmas day when I was in the midst of a miscarriage. I began that morning what I thought was an unusually heavy period, when I was awakened from a nap with cramping so severe that I could hardly move. I felt blood literally pouring out of me, so I crawled to the bathroom to find that I had passed a large piece of tissue. It was then that I realized what was happening. After some more tissue and clots the cramping subsided. I didn't even know how to feel. I had to say goodbye even before I could say hello. I remember her as Adrianna Elizabeth, for I knew in my heart that she was my baby girl. My boyfriend and I decided not to share with our friends and family her story, figuring it was best kept between us. I didn't even see a doctor because I figured that nature had taken care of everything, and why should I upset myself even more. Boy was I ever wrong...

Much to our suprise, I became pregnant again right away, in January 1998. I was so suprised that it took 5 positive tests to convince me! Although my boyfriend was a bit reserved, he felt it was too soon after loosing Adrianna, I was elated. Again I knew in my heart it was to be a girl, and we named her Kiera Nicole. I told my mom, and made my first doctors appointment, and began to dream. And that's all my Kiera would be--a dream. I never even made it to my first doctors appointment, which was to be the end of February.

I began to spot over Valentines day weekend, and when it became heavier on Monday, I called my mom and had her take me to the hospital. I was given an ultrasound, which the tech found what she determined was a healthy 4.5 week old fetus. I thought that couldn't be right, I was almost 7 weeks along! The resident then told me I must have mixed up my dates, and since my cervix was closed, just go home and put my feet up, and call if I got any cramping.

This was about 1pm. By 6pm, my boyfriend had arrived home from work, and I was cramping so bad I couldn't get off the couch. I told him what had happened, and he said to forget the phone call, we were going straight to the ER. I lost Kiera while waiting in a hospital bed to be seen by the doctor.

I knew her for a mere 2 weeks, but I felt as though my whole world shattered. I felt a sudden gush, and the pain stopped. I lifted up the covers and saw her, lying in a pool of blood. I never felt so alone before in my life. When the doctor finally arrived, he said that indeed I had miscarried, and since my cervix was still dilated, he was going to remove what was left in my uterus, and send it all off to the lab. This I was grateful for. I NEEDED to know what went wrong.

The next day the hospital called to tell me that my own bloodwork had come back and I needed to come in right away. I had no idea what this could have been about, so I went into a panic. When I arrived, they told me that I had RH incompatibility, and that I needed a shot of a drug called Rhogam within 36 hours of any pregnancy loss, or delivery. This would ensure the survival of any future pregnancies. The nurse then gave me a pamphlet and sent me on my way. It took a week for Kiera's lab report to come back, and it stated that she did die of RH disease, that there were indeed antibodies present that killed her. The guilt from finding this out was unbelievable.

My mind was a whirl of what ifs: what if I had gone to the doctor after my first loss? what if I had bloodwork done sooner? could I have saved her? What if, what if.... It has taken two years for me to even be able to think that it may not have been my fault, that God needed another angel for his own reasons.

My third angel, William Thomas was called back to heaven on August 28, 1998, at 14 weeks gestation. It has taken me this long to be able to write his name, and maybe some day I'll be able to tell his story.

I have since been blessed with my first living child, Lance Richard III, on September 19, 1999. I thank God every day for His gift. He is the most wonderful, happy baby. But I will never forget my angels in heaven......