My sweet angel, Talon

by Mommy Niki

Date: Sun, 5 Nov 2000

I'm 18 years old and found out on July 17, 2000 that I would be a mommy.

I conceived my child on the day of my graduation, June 4. I was the happiest person in the world. I would finally have my dreams come true, I would have my family. My boyfriend and I weren't meeting eye to eye and have decided to take a break. But my world was still so full of happiness, I had "my little peanut" to look forward to. I had everything planned out for my little one, the theme of the nursery, and all of the little things that would make my little one's room happy. My pregnancy was fine and everything was going well.

I went for my fourth month dr's appointment and everything was fine, my baby was healthy and there was no worries on my mind with my pregnancy. I was going to have my 2nd ultrasound to find out if my baby was a boy or a girl on November 6. I never got to that appointment.

On October 16, I started feeling strange, I thought I was getting the flu. I laid in bed all week, reading my pregnancy books, I read nothing that should have made me worry. On Friday, October 20, I woke up to pains in my back and stomach. They weren't severe so I thought that my uterus was just growing and thought nothing was wrong. However, as the day progressed, the pain got worse. At around 6 p.m. I couldn't stand, sit, lay down or anything, everything hurt. I called the baby's dad and told him that I was going to the hospital, I was having pains, but I would call him if it was anything serious. I was always paranoid before with going to the hospital and didn't want to bother him.

I had to go to the bathroom when I got to the ER. I went and all I seen was blood, I knew that something was wrong. When they examined me, I was fully dilated, there was no stopping my labor. They explained to me that what happened was called abruptio placentae and since my baby was only 3 days from 20 weeks, there was no chance of the baby surviving. That was the hardest thing that I ever had to hear in my entire life. My baby that I had so many plans for would never even get to live. It was so unfair. I laid on the ER bed and begged for God to take me instead of my little one. I was scared and alone laying on that bed knowing that I would have to give birth to a child that would never make it. I loved this child more than I have ever loved anything before in my life, to know I would never get to see this child grow up was unbearable. My step-d! ad was on the phone outside trying to get a hold of my mom and the baby's dad, and I was all alone and terrified.

They sent me up to a birthing room and left me alone to wait for the actual labor to begin. I was in so much emotional and physical pain the last thing I wanted was to be alone then. I called the baby's father from the room and finally got a hold of him, it was a small relief to even hear his voice. He finally showed up what seemed like days later and it hurt to even look at him, the only thing I could think of was how sorry I was for this pain that I caused him. All of our family that came in shortly after him, I seen the pain and hurt in their eyes and I was so sorry for all the pain that I caused them all. Everyone was looking forward to this baby, the first child of me and the baby's dad and the first grandchild that everyone thought was going to actually make it. I was in hysterics and just wanted my life to end before my child's life ended. My baby was still ! alive inside of me but would never survive outside of me. They gave me 4 pain killers through my IV and finally they gave me an epidural. I tried pushing him out 3 times and he finally came out on the third try at 11:40 p.m.

He came out arm first, I watched my baby's arm trying to grab onto something, and I couldn't do anything for him. By the time I seen his legs, he quit moving. The dr. finally pulled the rest of him out and handed me my beautiful little boy. He looked just like his daddy. I wanted to die right along with him. He was perfect, all 10 1/2 inches and 10 ounces of him. My sweet innocent son never got to take his first breath even, it was so unfair that I was still breathing. I sang Brahm's lullaby to my son. I studied his every feature for hours. All of my hopes and dreams for a family died right along with him. I held my baby and loved my baby, I begged to trade places with him but it wasn't in God's plan. They finally came and took my son at 5:30 a.m. and along with him, they took my whole life.
We named him Talon Jessee Bach Kimberlin. I will never have a birth certificate for my son. I left the hospital the next day, they gave me a purple box to leave with, instead of my son. I couldn't sleep, eat, and it hurt to even breath. It wasn't fair. There is no medical reason for what happened to my little boy. But deep down inside, I know that it is my fault, there is something that I could have done to prevent this. We buried my little boy on October 24, four days after my dreams ended. With my son, I buried my life. I know that he is with me always, I can feel him with me. I know that one day we will be reunited in heaven. But that still doesn't make anything better. I should be taking care of, protecting, and loving my son.

I do love him even though he is not with me. But I should be with him. I can't ever forgive myself for that.

I sit at his grave everyday for hours and just cry. A mother's place is with her child, and I will never have that opportunity. I will never get to see his first steps, hear his first word, or even hear him cry. I will never get to see my little boy grow up. That is something that I have to live with everyday for the rest of my life. I still can't eat, sleep, or even feel like living. My arms ache to hold my little boy. My stomach still aches to feel him kick again. I should still be pregnant with him. Tomorrow is the day that I should find out whether or not he was a little boy or girl. March 11, 2001 should be the first time that I get to see him. But instead October 20, 2000 was the day that I knew he was a little boy and seen him and October 24, was the day I put him in the ground.

I've gotten pretty good at hiding my pain from everyone who thinks I should be fine by now. But I gave birth to my little Talon, and he will not get to live on earth, but he will forever live in my heart. My life will never go back to "normal" but I must force myself to go on, if only for the day that I get to be with my Talon.

If anyone knows anything that makes this easier, please email me and let me know XxMoKoCaNdExX@aol.com . Thanks for listening to my story even though it's long.

Sweet Dreams Talon Jessee Bach Kimberlin